One Body, Multiple Personalities: A Pauline Approach to Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder.1The words stung more than I thought they would.Dissociative Disorder.The diagnosis did not come as a surprise. had specifically sought out psychological assessment to evaluate my theory what happened mind fourteen months prior when, while studying for doctorate in clinical psychology, “cracked” under the weight of unresolved trauma and suddenly became person that recognize slightest. When downfall reached rock bottom on-the-streets homelessness, it finally occurred me been experiencing might meet criteria one we didn't touch on school instructed simply “refer out.”No, was But feel like pronouncement doom.Dissociative Disorder is current name previously termed “Multiple Personality Disorder,” mental illness which an individual possesses discrete personality identity, each with its own worldview, personal history, characteristics. The classic model this phenomenon's etiology chronic interpersonal during person's early childhood years causes such intense inner turmoil psyche must splinter itself into various parts be able cope ongoing trauma.While lucky retain relatively congruous twenty-seven years, also retained psychosocial factors made vulnerable illness. ticking time bomb complex trauma, disorganized attachment style, deep self-loathing pattern repeatedly falling hands abusers. shattered created unwillingness normative sides myself allow other play roles are meant.As illustration how happen, consider part yourself entertains babies. It likely thinks, speaks, acts differently you shows up boardroom meetings. if strife were become so believes priorities always most important, end baby-talking power suit . losing your job. This then would foster further lead suppression brings joy infant child, creating dysfunction parenting life. relationship child flounders realize haven't well, will reciprocate business part's resentment strive suppress tendencies carefully attend changing attitude behavior parent. Lather, rinse, repeat.This type perpetual disdain division within began shut others from conscious awareness, “blackout” memory loss when have “switch” personality. result: inner-world chaos, outer-world disability, suicidal ideation.One body many parts—each competing control. Disorder.My official inpatient psychiatric stay at institute specializes dissociative disorders sometimes result. Over six months, spent nearly much psych wards outside them. Active suicidality unshakable companion. experienced hour and, point, woke calendar indicating eleven weeks later expected. My somaticized distress tics, seizures, pain. constant fight-or-flight mode frequent periods solipsism convinced nothing existed consciousness.I newly God after having remarkable encounter grace soul wretched state even staunchest atheist described “total depravity.” “mighty change heart” effected immediate wholehearted discipleship Jesus Nazareth, but puzzled over make theological existential sense happening brain body. Moreover, struggled understand help pursue some semblance stability wellness.I grown story Joseph Smith receiving his First Vision following counsel James 1:5 ask wisdom, continued carry belief enable receive insight lacked. prayer whisper cry, tried put positions guidance.During search dear friend spiritual mentor brought retired psychiatrist who known among Protestants our area being powerful “prayer warrior” gift intercession those attack. new culture biblical Christianity wasn't sure expect visit, anticipated she treat somebody possessed by demons.Over lunch, dreaded question came asked knew where Bible.“Yeah,” mumbled. “My Legion, many.”2 synoptic accounts unrestrainable man evil spirit disturbed me, heard Christian counselor slap far too casually comfort. While don't wholly dismiss possibility demonic involvement case, broad equation possession feels same unhelpful devaluation caused split first place.Yet there was, kitchen firm believer warfare. silently pleaded whether about healed or traumatized surely impending exorcism, know he me.“Oh!” remarked, “No, thinking that. meant along lines navigate multiplicity.”Navigate?Oh. Perhaps these inside wanted desperately seen valued weren't demons needed cast filthy swine all. exhaled stale breath holding. Then, inhaled fresh perspective.I left day deepened resolve keep diving word continue engaging Word indeed offer wisdom asking him earnestly for.But until treatment experience confirmed found answer. therapist encouraging common goal could unite around, find literally save myself; internal polarity. Part incredibly social, very fearful humans. identity victim, another do anything avoid acknowledging past victimization. only fester, forced rely God's moment-to-moment never before.Seeking solace, every free moment Bible. comfort Jewish discipline mourning Lamentations. related Paul's struggle prison—“to live Christ, die gain.”3 take heart reading 1 Peter, hoping “refined fire.” Other patients caught coping mechanism read Psalms gripped panic attacks psychogenic seizures.Eventually turned familiar long favorite chapter: Romans 6. And verse 13—instruction I'd dozens times searching Disorder:Offer instrument righteousness.Every myself.A goal.Oh yes, think all get board this.I paged forward chapter 12 Paul fleshes metaphor part-unity fully:Each us has members, members function. Each member belongs others. Be devoted love.If anyone “renewing mind,” here now particularly apt roadmap individualistic shards unity body.Could simple?As turns out, simple Latter-day Saints Evangelicals view Christ. possible, bunk hermeneutic—Paul exhorting devote their whole selves cause army. translated singular “instrument” actually plural Greek, alters Hellenistic connotation generic tool implement collective set weapons heavy armor. root used Ephesians 6 “whole armor” God.While learned “internal family system” exists specific reason. carries portion difficult life plays protective role whole. six-year-old call “Bobby,” comes threatened. He holds pain largely powerless trauma. system frustrated Bobby's paralyzing helplessness, role—his pitiful crying pushes away people impatient triggering, draws nurturers needs escape harm. Similarly, I've critically disparaged thirteen-year-old “Jenni,” reads deeply intentions kind often hurts them her mean. She inflicted partner, raises preemptive red flags desire prevent future abuse.One Many clunky, heavily armored just doing can survive.Treatment opened eyes complete recovery. As does sentence, recovery requires, average, seven intensive therapy counselors specialize disorders. goals look bit see seeks counseling heal divides: open, honest, thoughtful communication fostered between system, work baggage, commitment good reestablished. Through integration parts, whole.The slow arduous, progress undeniable. remarkably blessed phenomenal sessions. Christ healer, wise arbiter, loving “other.” ground grow.My abide finding safety process traumatic memories therapy. ready, opportunity symbolically hand grief Jesus. To “unburdening” ritual looked offering ineffective, self-made In turn, offers pieces full, unfailing armor—armor meets needs.In belt truth gird loins. calms am defined sexual trauma.In shoes gospel peace—a proclaim. quells runs conversation.In chance whole.There piece armor beginning—the sword Spirit God. sword, discover unity. enables strength beyond own, together wield fortitude. greater wholeness, extended answer prayer—wisdom walk path Jesus’ way.One parts. Yes, many. learning ourselves are—valuable We belong him. death through love. together—individually collectively—as instruments righteousness.